Bandung

i have been lost for some time. suddenly i did not find solace in reading and writing. but every day routine has to continue. i went to bandung in a group-trip about a month back and these are random shots i took while there. no place on earth is better than another. they are just different. Allah is Great.

to Him we shall return

he who could not stand lying and was struggling against dysfunctional bone marrow is now at the other side of life. i first posted about his story on august 18, last year.

on june 11, that was three weeks back, when i summarized events surroundings myself and those around me, i was positive he would be able to pull through as he had agreed to go for a transplant, as advised by the specialist despite his concern on the effect of chemotheraphy being part of the treatment.

on june 30 when my cellphone rang at a quarter after six in the morning, my heart skipped a beat thinking a company's infrastructure had encountered a glitch or a fire incident had occured somewhere. as the caller, a manager from my office, broke the news, i almost cried.

he was a good person, he could not stand lying to me. he was a good son, he took care of his father and his father passed away while under his care. he talked about parents and the importance of patience. i still remember all his words of wisdom.

may Allah reward him for his good deeds.

to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. may Allah forgive him and forgive us all.

Harith - at 3

note: how not to miss him after he is no longer a boy?

in search of my soul

note: i took (i still do)random shots of places i passed through. my heart and mind have been aimless for some time. O Allah, give me back my soul.

NEXT - little that we know

1. he who suffered from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and slepplessness has passed through the difficult time after consulting a religious teacher. الحمدالله .
   
   
2. a day or two after coming back from the chiang mai company trip late last year, a staff member of the company was involved in a road accident and had been in a coma for about two weeks before passing away. the way the story goes reminds me to another story on my blog. when i heard the news i spaced out running over one otherwise-forgotten moment at the chiang mai airport. he had worked for the company for eight years and the only (as i could recall) time we ever had a conversation was at the chiang mai airport. he asked me to help filling his custom form because the fonts were too small for his eyes. to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.
   
   
3. last two fridays, my thirty-four-year old friend and former colleague passed away of cervical cancer. i could not pay her a last visit because she was 350 km away and i would not be able to make it in time. she was sweet and her laughter and jokes are all I could remember. to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.
   
   
4. my colleague who was diagnosed with bone-marrow-deficiency last year did not go for a bone-marrow-transplant as suggested by the specialist, instead opted for a blood transfusion. the initial once-a-month transfusion became every-two-week after about eight months. upon evaluating his condition going through regular transfusion, the specialist (again) advised that he goes for a bone-marrow-transplant as the likelihood of him developing blood cancer (whatever that means) is high. he is now in the hospital for the could-be unclear side effects of the transfusion. may Allah give him strength.
   
   
5. a lady colleague (there are only four beautiful (الحمدالله) ladies in my office) had to go for removing-of-the-ovari operation last year (i did not blog about this then because i cringed at anything to do with damage-of-the-reproduction-organ news). in order to stop the tumor (or whatever) from developing into cancer, she had to go through chemotheraphy as well. it has been some months since she had the first dose of chemo and i have tried to be expressionless in the face every time i saw her and the side effects of the treatment. the pain i feel in my heart is seamless. may Allah give her strength.
   
   
6. my best-fren's daughter who went for a bone marrow transplant last year has completed the treatment and is home (since february, sadly i do not know exactly when). she does not know me but she is my daughter in my dua. my heart has been with her. الحمدالله she has made it.
   
   

harith - at 4

note: they are not jokes but his mom still finds them funny. life is colorless and soundless without mothers and children.

soul searching

when one dies...his or her soul gets separated from his or her body.

what exactly is the soul?

the heart? or

the mind?

my fav dish

the red ones...the two red ones come from the same wok...

i need a peaceful mind to enjoy it though...

how i remember him

we stopped over in our way to Alabama. it was a house of a friend of my-not-by-choice-travel-companions. i was about to pray when one of my travel companions who was a friend of the other two companions approached me and asked if I was going to pray. with my reply, he told me he would lead the prayer as my 'imam'. between his telling me he would lead me as the 'imam' and he said the 'takbeer', my mind ran over religious rulings i had came across...through my limited religious knowledge i could not recall any regarding a woman praying with a 'non-mahram imam' when there were only two of them praying. i looked at the others who were in the living room through the open door hoping they would join us but i supposed they had already prayed. i made up my mind within that few seconds i should use my best judgement.

fate had it...the two of us who were from different parts of the world chanced upon each other during a group-trip i half-heartedly took. fate had it...that day the two of us prayed, he the 'imam' and i was the only 'makmum'. never before then and never after that had i ever prayed following a 'non-mahram-imam', being the only 'makmum'.

how I remember him makes forgetting him impossible. may all the beauty of life cross path with him...amen!.

Fourth Interview

The first time I was introduced to her, she was in the middle of a discussion with her boss. Both, her boss and she, were equally outstanding if put in a crowd. Outstanding here means attractive for her and rigid for her boss. She was different from the description of her – tough and a-rock-star-like – as told by those friends who had met her before I did. She has petite-high-school look and little girl voice that made her impossible not to be noticed whereever she went.

What I like most about her is her clarity. It is either black or white, evil or good, right or wrong, yes or no, acceptable or unacceptable... she does not sit on the fence!. We were never close then and have never been close since but have stayed connected always. She is like a sister and a childhood friend(I love those friends from my past very much)to me. In my heart I know if I am ever in need of someone to comfort me, she is the one i would turn to.

Here is her first part of the interview;

Part 1

1. Question: Let us know a bit of your background…



• name (you can be anonymous)

Answer: noname


• city of origin

Answer: Kuala Lumpur


• age

Answer: 38


• marital status

Answer: married


• occupation

Answer: homemaker


• parents occupations

Answer: retired


• the number of siblings you have

Answer: 7


• age of your siblings

Answer: 52, 50, 48, 45, 43, 41


• age of your spouse

Answer: 38


• occupation of your spouse

Answer:


• the number of children you have

Answer: 1


• ages of your children

Answer: 6



2. Question: Which school, primary and secondary, did you go to?


Answer: Primary - Sekolah Kebangsaan Jalan Pasar Pudu, Kuala Lumpur. Secondary – Sekolah Menengah Puterijaya, Jalan Pasar, Pudu, Kuala Lumpur, Sekolah Menengah Aminudin Baki, Jalan Kampung Pandan, MRSM Beseri Kangar Perlis



3. Question: How do you describe, being a student, in these schools, in terms of orientation – academic, social, religious and moral?


Answer:Academic... I was a bit studious throughout these school years. What was I thinking?!! Almost always the one who got the first place in classes. Once I got to go on stage during my MRSM years to accept the "sijil penghormatan pengetua" for academic performance. I've always love reading and gaining knowledge. The only regrets that's left, is I didnt take good care of my eyesights. Reading with no proper lighting nor positioning. Having to wear high powered glasses is such a nuisance!

Socially... I love being in a crowd and I always prefer being in the company of others rather than being on my own. We learned great things with our interactions with others. We can correct our mistakes based on the responses that other people give towards our social behavior.

Religious..at that time..so-so..The same with moral..so-so



4. Question: How do you describe your achievement - social, academic, religious and moral, which you believe you had gained for being;



1. in school more than being at home, and


2. at home more than being in school?

Answer: At school..it provided knowledge especially in the religious contents. At home...growing up with 6 siblings was lovely. The feelings that they are a number of people who were always there for you was great.



5. Question: How do you describe the role of your parents on your upbringing?


Answer: My parents divorced when I was about 11. Children from divorced family grow up quickly and had no choice but to learn to be independent at an early age. My mom, being a single mother with7 kids already did all that she could ever had done. I had sisters that I relied on for all the questions I had in my growing years.



6. Question: What are the things about school, from your school years to now, that you think:



1. have improved,


2. have not improved, and


3. have gotten worse?

Answer:I had not been back to any of my old schools thus unable to comment on this. Except that school years, they were some of the best and easiest and happiest times of my life.



7. Question: How do you describe yourself;



1. before you met your husband,


Answer: When I was single..I was more easygoing and relax I think! Always a sport.


2. while you were courting (if you were),


Answer: Courting....whenever I'm in a relationships, I'm a changed person to the one I was in a relationship with. Logically, its because the involvement of emotions, feelings and commitments that are there.They make everything more "sensitive", so to speak. I had to be more careful with my actions and even with my own thoughts!! Wacko! They were lots of time when I thought it would be much better to be single with none of the hassle but those were just passing thoughts!


3. while you were engaged (if you were),


Answer: Engagement..These were trying times for me. I had the self-doubts, fear from the breakdown of my own parents' marriage and many more.


4. first five years of marriage, and


Answer: First 5 years..the "adjustment" years to each other were there. I fell ill during the first few years of my life. Thats how I discovered how kind and patient the husband that Allah has sent for me is. Those experiences were all for the better of our lives.


5. from then (d) to now?


Answer: From then on...Sometimes I wished I'd get married much sooner! Instead of idling my time thinking about what I want to find in life and ended up with no answers. Marrried life is bliss. nothing but rahmat from Allah.



8. Question: What are the things you wish you had known and you think would have made your life easier knowing ahead than to discover them later?


Answer: . I wish I hadnt taken life or people and their craziness too seriously. Take life easy..is the correct motto after all. Pray for Allah's guidance in everything that we do. Then relax!



9. Question: How much have your siblings helped you in making important decisions in your life? Please elaborate.


Answer: We siblings basically make our own paths in life and decisions individually. But I do go to my sisters
for advises on important decisions in my life.



10. Question: How much have your friends helped you in making important decisions in your life? Please elaborate.


Answer:. I like discussing situations with friends but I make up my own mind.

whose mind we cross

'out of the blue, he called. he asked for ur no so i gave him. his old time friend is meeting up with him there'

i got the text message from my best friend in college on 22 Feb 2011 at 8.56 pm while driving to my parents' place (+/-350 km away) for a company meeting the next morning. my best friend then was his good friend.

i received his call shortly after. the last time we talked was some 18 years back. he was trying to help me securing a job. we were not close that his kind gesture has made him somehow significant to my memory.

we never know whose mind we cross.

note: the first time he talked to me...my soul was somewhere else...and after all these years...my soul is still somewhere else.

on the first day of new year

we were happy together
her laughter made me forget who we were
i wished happiness stay with her forever
and this soul i called her
has left me or i have left her
she met her purpose when her days turn sour
i reminded her over and over
her tears could not change who we were
it hurt me to see her suffer
seconds to minutes to hours
days to weeks to years
still she wanted to linger
she wanted to be sincere
her purpose turned crystal clear
the path she was on she was sure
she gave up her laughter
i gave up her tears
and on the first day of new year
in my childhood dream she appears
i wish i did not miss her either
i pray God will interfere